life updates! actually there isn't much - my life has been relatively calm and im just enjoying this new routine! i just got back from a girls trip to batam, indonesia which was so fun because it was my first beach vacation ever!!! the weather was so so lovely and the pics i got were amazing.
i know i usually dont come on here and i won't lie cygnet hasn't really popped up in my mind that much lately, except that something happened recently that i feel like i need to unpack. so i'm here to talk about it! basically a good friend of mine (i'd even go so far as to say one of my best friends) recently got into a relationship with a guy and it's just been feeling strange. UGH! hm i hope that at least one person here gets this but i feel like whenever my close friends get into a relationship it's a hard pill for me to swallow ... not in the sense that i'm jealous ? of them having a partner ? but more in the sense that i feel like i'm losing a part of our friendship and a part of them to this new romantic endeavour.
sometimes that manifests in the form of them cancelling plans more often or investing less in our friendship, which i suppose is understandable but still hurts nonetheless, especially when it feels like they are able to so easily sacrifice our friendship for a guy they honestly don't even really know. it's a little different in this case because the loss isn't in quality time per se, but more so the sense of closeness that i had learnt to expect from our relationship. okay so tldr she hasn't been telling my friends and i that much about the relationship - i literally only learnt of this guy's existence 2-3 weeks ago even though they've been talking for months, and very minimal details were given. they got together recently which is a YAY but the real NAY is that she didn't tell us that she had her first kiss too!!!!!!!!!! it was casually dropped in a conversation today with nothing else and i was just a little heartbroken that i missed out on this significant moment. i feel like it's hard to articulate why this feels so serious to me without really getting into the nitty gritty stuff about our friendship but we've been friends for a decade!!! childhood friends!!!! neighbours!!!! classmates!!!! i get the feeling that she's reluctant to share even when i ask, and it just makes me a little sad. it's like this awful moment when you realise that maybe they don't feel as close to you as you do to them anymore.
that being said i also logically think that it may not necessarily be a friendship issue, and that it can be a little selfish to think this way. i can't help what i'm feeling, but to be fair neither can she! i know that the new stages of a relationship can be pretty disruptive and that it takes a while to settle into a new rhythm, so it's understandable if she's still unsure about telling other people too much. she's also expressed that she's been afraid of being judged or that something will go wrong, and i can empathise with the vulnerable feelings that come with being in a first relationship. i've been there too! right now, i think my role is to just be there for her when she needs the support and to manage my expectations of this friendship.
i often feel this way in similar situations and i feel like it's reached the point where it's become a recurring pattern. if i were to look a bit deeper i could say that my most important interpersonal relationships (platonic, romantic or otherwise) feel extremely sacred and that i develop very strong attachments, which probably gives rise to this sort of response when i realise that our friendship actually isn't as much of a priority to them as it is to me. sighhhh
alsooo now that i have a boyfriend i understand the other side of things more! i can def see how it's easy to get carried away when you like someone... hehe... i've personally always been conscious about how it affects my friendships, but i know that there's always some sort of tradeoff regardless of how hard you try. i kind of just despise how society puts romantic relationships on a pedestal where it's so normalised to center your partner so much in your life. friendships are everything too!!!!!
lots of love,
j